Tuesday, 14th July 2020

Fuck Geese (Guest Column)

Posted on 01. Dec, 2011 by in Columns | 31,494 views

A young Nick Wong runs in fear in a dangerous game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Guest Column by Nick Wong (PNN Contributor)

People always ask me, Nick, why do you hate geese so much? The answer is quite simple. Geese are assholes. They have no sympathy, no restraint, and only care for their own selfish needs.  Let me elaborate with a story from my past.

As a child growing up in Concord, California, I used to love going to Turtle Creek Park to feed the geese with bread I took from my house. I didn’t just give them regular bread; I gave them the good shit. One fateful day, my bread bag ran out and the geese were no longer friendly. I saw something in their eyes change; they were like angry heroin addicts no longer getting the fix that I had been providing for them. And that’s when they snapped. Now you have to realize that when you are 5 years old, geese  going ape shit on you is one of the scariest things you could ever experience.

What made matters worse is that my only source of protection, my very own mother, just sat back and laughed at my expense. The woman must have thought that the geese and I were playing a game of tag. No damn it, kids do not go to the park to play tag with ferocious fucking animals chasing after your food. As I ran around the park in the most dangerous game of duck, duck, goose I have ever played in my life, the woman who brought me into this world was about to watch me leave it and she found it hilarious. The whole time I had thoughts while trying to juke these damn geese like “Homie I just gave you breakfast, stop trying to eat me!” and “I don’t know why these geese don’t like me, Chinese people eat ducks, not geese!”

This is why I hate geese. Geese are the silent baby killers of the animal kingdom. I mean with other ferocious animals you expect them to try to kill you which is why you don’t just walk up to a lion or a grizzly bear . No one expects that shit from geese, they look so friendly and welcoming. But I warn you, they’re not. If you ever decide to have kids, or if you already do, don’t let them go anywhere near a goose, because they will try and eat your baby. Luckily I am a champ and was able to get the fuck out of that park, no thanks to my mom. This experience left me forever scarred and traumatized with a genuine fear of geese.

So my friends or to the 5 potential people that might actually read this, here are some pointers on how to avoid such a vicious encounter with this overrated bird:

1) When traveling to a local park, always remember to carry a stick with you. Not for walking, but for beating down the local wildlife.

2) Always have a kid in front of you, it’s all about survival and when it comes down to it, you need to be the one that makes it out of there when the bread runs out. My mother’s strategy was sound.

3) If you are unable to resist the temptation of feeding geese, leave yourself with a backup plan. Just put a little poison in the last couple pieces of bread in case they start wilding out. Nothing too serious, just something minor like Valium or rat poisoning.

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